The Tale of a Feminine Warrior

I know this is not an original thought, but regardless of what year it says on the calendar right now, women are still at a significant disadvantage in the American worlds of business and profession.  This persistent cultural norm that women must be stoic, not emotional, smart but not brilliant, is stifling.

I mean, really, really stifling.

We censor ourselves without thought.  We run our comments, our dress, our attitudes through a filter, constantly judging (usually subconsciously because it is so ingrained) how we come off to those around us.

For hundreds of years, we accepted that imbalance.  And while we have not fully overcome it yet, we are learning ways of working around it.

Marc and I had a conversation about this just this morning.  I told him about an incident several years ago at an FDA meeting I was spontaneously invited to by a colleague, held on the Annapolis campus, after a caffeine conference we had attended together.  I was asked to give a short 5-7 minute talk about my observations and concerns about the massive, staggering overuse of caffeine by my Fort Carson soldiers.  Seeing this as an incredible opportunity to air my concerns, I immediately accepted, despite this committee meeting being the next day.

A colleague of mine--a big guy who was a physician researcher at the FDA--was there, sitting at the opposite end of this large board room (which was filled to standing room only capacity) and began ridiculing my take on things almost as soon as I started speaking.  (I found out later this guy had developed caffeinated gum for the military.  So he had an agenda.)  This guy successfully intimidated a room full of Naval officers, doctors, researchers, and administrators, who sat back and made no attempts to correct his rude and uncalled for behavior.  I was a guest who had been invited there with no prep, and I had some pretty alarming things to report to them about this situation.  And yet, no one called him out.

When I go into uncertain situations like that, where the power structure is a total unknown, I make sure that my exterior communicates calm but undeniable confidence, because female nurses especially are never allowed to use verbal language to communicate it.  It has to be all nonverbal.  I was wearing a suit and carried myself as if I were still an Army Officer (something every woman should learn, by the way.) 

And yes, I was wearing one of my own pieces of Feminine Warrior jewelry.  I walked in feeling grounded and clear about my mission.

When John began criticizing my premise (that caffeine was exacerbating the symptoms of combat PTSD and may be contributing to the soldier suicide rate), I knew that confronting him the way men confront each other--the way comedians shut down hecklers, for instance--would never work here.  I had to approach this as a Feminine Warrior, not a Masculine Warrior.

I abandoned my designated place at the front of the room, softened my voice, and began very slowly, non-threateningly, to walk along the length of the board room towards him.  This was so unexpected and unusual, I had the attention of everyone in that packed room, especially John.  I began reciting the Fort Carson statistics on soldier suicide for the past 2 years.  When I finally reached John, the tension in the room was high and absolutely silent. With the spotlight now on us together, he was forced to turn and look up at me. I was, in essence, towering over him, physically placing myself in a position of power.

I quietly and gently said to him, "John, my guys are dying.  I have to do something."

It had a stunning effect--on him and on the whole room.  

I turned my back on him and walked back to the front where I finished my short talk without any further interruptions.

No one could, or should, claim that my jewelry was what intimidated this boorish man.  I mean, maybe, but I doubt it.  But it did have an effect on me.  I felt confident, strong, grounded.  And that gave me what I needed to behave the way I did.

If I had still been in uniform, that situation would have been entirely different.  He would never have publicly gone up against an Army Captain.  But as a civilian nurse, he felt he could easily bully me. I needed some other visual that communicated my courage.

If I had squared off against this guy, I would have lost every battle I went there to wage.  The American masculine mentally, even today, does not allow feminine souls the same privileges.  We simply cannot use masculine tactics to win our arguments. It backfires.  It shouldn't.  It's idiotic that we are still playing these social, gender games.  But as of this writing, it's still largely the case. 

In my own experience, letting my calm, soft voice work together with my strong exterior actually helps to warn those threatened by me to not push me too far, that I have the will and ability to push back--maybe in ways they will not like.

The pieces I create aren't jewelry.  They represent power and strength and courage.  Use them to make your case...and to make the world a better place.